I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
