Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
