A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
