That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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