I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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