I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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