I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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