end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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