I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
