We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
