Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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