party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
