I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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