I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? šš
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being āgoodā and 10 being ābanging a studentās fatherā, how bad is it that Iām banging a studentās father?
Randomize
