Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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