Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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