So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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