Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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