I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
