Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
