I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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