Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
