I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
