I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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