I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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