I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
