The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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