he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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