They should really pass out barf bags in church
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
