the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize