You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
