Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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