she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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