why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
