that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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