I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
