at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
