I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
