i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
