mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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