I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
