At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
