I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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