I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
