I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
