btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
