you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
