the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
