Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
