Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
