dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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