and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
