He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
