i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
