Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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