i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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