Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
