There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
